don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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