I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
