my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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