why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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