Cold hands, warm shart.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize