I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
