Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
