I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
