She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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