So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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