My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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