i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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