Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
