he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize
