so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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