I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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