Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I love black thongs
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
sarcasm needs its own font
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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