Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
