And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
