Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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