Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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