I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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