I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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