so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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