Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
