You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
