He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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