The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
