I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I am available for nakedness
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
