I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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