i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
