ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
