So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
