Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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