Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize