the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
