i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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