I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
