So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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