True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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