I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
