I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize