i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
COCAINE IS GR8
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
