if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
