i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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