So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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