Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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