That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
