No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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