If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize