I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
