two words: eviction party
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
