I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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