Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
