so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
