Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
