i just had sex bonerless
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
