3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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