even my farts smell like vagina
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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