I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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