My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
