please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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