I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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