As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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