I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
