I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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