my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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