Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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