She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My bed smells like the plague
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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