The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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