so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
