you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize