Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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