her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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