I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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